xf_book_club | Story 167: "Waiting" by Kipler

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Story 167: "Waiting" by Kipler

Kipler did most of her fic writing between 1995 and 1997, placing her solidly among the early era X-Files fanfic writers, though she didn't write Strangers and the Strange Dead - arguably her most widely recced story - until 2000.

Waiting was written, and is set, in the summer of 1997, after Gethsemane. Following the cryptic and devastating event of Mulder's evident demise, Scully inadvertently happens upon a casefile, and finds herself drawn into its eerie mystery while she bides time in and out of hospital rooms, waiting for her own imminent death to claim her. For such a small fic, there's a lot to this one. Kipler's writing is spare, intelligent, and deeply but subtly poetic - very in tune with the nuances of tension and emotion underlying surface reality.

I first read this fic about a year ago, and it left me feeling a curious combination of awestruck, dazed, a little bit sick with grief, and a little bit giddy with pleasure. But we've covered three of Kipler's fics already so I was hesitant to post Waiting for my own gratification alone. When I saw that

coldthermistor had recced it, I could've hugged her.

Waiting by Kipler

I'm not sure if this Waybacked link will work. If not then you'll have to head over to where it's posted on Gossamer to read it. You know the drill, just c/p the url into a new window.

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I've been such a slackass here lately and I know I've missed some good discussion that I need to catch up on.

For all of the fic I've read, I've surprisingly (to me) not read anything by Kipler, so I started with Strangers and the Strange Dead even though that's not the current story. Wow...that ending hit me sort of like the twist in The Other Man by Jess Mabe. Was that discussed here? I will have to read what you all said at the time.

So, Waiting? I LOVE this. I'm still processing it, so forgive this shallow comment. I'll write more once my thoughts settle down some. I just didn't want to let another story pass by without participating, so consider this a placeholder and a reminder to myself that I need to come back.

"Strangers and the Strange Dead" is in my top five fanfics of all time :). I wasn't here to discuss it when it was posted (although I remember participating in some indepth discussion on--I think? the Glass Onion list, years ago). It's such a great story.

"Waiting" is amazing. I love the way Kipler writes--clear and visual and yet poetic. There's a truthfulness to the emotion, too, that I think is rare. You can really feel what the characters are feeling, and it doesn't feel forced or uncomfortable.

"Waiting" covers some pretty ambitious themes of death and dying. I usually find stories like this hard to read, but there's a real journey here; it's not just written to make readers sad. It's really thoughtful and beautiful.

And I am pretty picky about characterizing Scully. I think she is just perfect here--puzzling out the medical mystery and working with the kids (like in her sub-storyline in I Want To Believe (obviously written years after "Waiting")). I love her voice coming through in the story. Scully's inner voice is precise and poetic (see her journal entries), just the way Kipler writes her.

I really have no idea what to say about this fic. I love it, so naturally articulation goes and fails me. There's nothing about Waiting that I don't like, so explaining why I like specific aspects of the fic is difficult.

Kipler's writing is a spell, a pall, with each new scene and every sentence like another thread drawing me further off the 'garden path'. The mood of Waiting is beautifully consistent from beginning to end, but it deepens and thickens with time, as each new aspect of what's happening is revealed. And because it's written first person, it allows Scully's characterization to contribute largely to the tone and mood of the piece, and vice versa.

In the beginning there is a stoic precision about the writing, and about Scully's character. She observes the other people in the waiting room, gives us details to identify them, and determines her place in the order of things. But as times goes on, that precision matters less and less.

I have made myself a path through other places, and I route it slowly, to kill the waiting. They know me. They will page me if my turn comes before I get back.

It's as if she's navigating a labyrinth. She knows what she's doing, but at the same time there's a sense of directionlessness; it doesn't matter where she goes, or where she is. It doesn't even matter who she is, and if asked we learn that-- I tell them I am visiting my sister, my cousin, my friend. Details stand out vividly in the moment, and then quickly blur into the whole of the experience.

There is an intriguing duality to Scully's characterization in Waiting. On one hand, she's very deliberate and in control. On the other, she becomes increasingly detached. More and more, she shuts out Skinner, neglects her job, and moves freely through the time and space that remains left to her. Another aspect of her characterization that I love is that her detachment neither softens nor hardens her to the world. She's more stoic and contained than ever, but she is also calmly compassionate, which we seen in the way she helps the Ruiz family through their ordeal, and in the way she absolves Mulder of his own death, even if he did pull the trigger. She's too wise to become bitter. She is no longer concerned with "knowing where she belongs" (as Alma says of the newborns), because she doesn't belong. There is no place for her, anymore.

If I had more time I would have to change. Life has a way of falling forward and dragging you with it. I know this. I know that the sharp edge of grief cannot be first in your mind always. If I had more time, I would move with life.

But this way, I will not. I don't have to adjust.

That's really the essence of it right there. I'm just amazed anyone can say it so well. And I don't just mean the way it is said in this specific quote, but the way we see this bear out in Scully's character, as her reality, throughout the rest of the fic.

I find her characterization in Waiting breathtakingly accurate. If I'd been asked, I wouldn't have known how I thought Scully should be characterized in this scenario - how to include all of her characteristics, but skew them to these drastic circumstances. Now, having read Waiting, I don't think I'd change a thing.

For a short time after I first read Waiting, I had a different idea of what happens at the end of the fic. I thought maybe Scully had "become a dream" - in other words, that she'd lost the plot and that she now experienced Mulder as the more real of the two of them.

Throughout the fic we learn that despite her seeming acuity, she's not doing so well. She's not eating, sleeping, going to the office, or keeping in touch with her familiars enough. She spends all night thinking "strange thoughts", and often imagines Mulder when he isn't really there. Plus there's Skinner's growing concern for her, his distressed call to her house, and his insistence that she stay where she is until he gets there. I thought perhaps he was worried about her worsening state - maybe he even had a clearer sense of how bad off she was than we did.

I didn't think it was certain that Scully was hallucinating Mulder at her door, but I thought the fic was deliberately setting up the possibility - making it so that we couldn't really know for sure whether Mulder was really there, of if Scully had lost her ability to judge reality.

If that were really the case I might actually love Waiting even more than I already do. I feel weird saying that, because I love Waiting so much as it is, but I've always had a particular admiration/fixation with fics that leave you unable to determine what's real and what isn't. But I don't think my first reading was on target.

Near the beginning of the fic, Skinner tells Scully there was a report of suspicious activity outside Mulder's apartment the night he died, which plants a seed of doubt about what really happened on that night. It's logical to think that Skinner is trying to get in touch with Scully because he knows Mulder is back, or at least he knows something important about what really happened to Mulder. And when Scully opens the door to find Mulder on the other side, she is surprised that he's waited, and that he's dressed in clothes she's never seen. Presumably because in her imaginings of him, he always just appears inside her apartment, wearing clothes she's seen him in before. So yeah, I think it's probably safe to say Mulder is actually at her door and she's not just imagining him there.

I suppose there is still the possibility she's dreaming (actually dreaming), mainly because of this line: I'm not sure if I fall back to sleep; it seems only a minute later that there is a knock on my door. I doubt it, though.

Did/does anybody else have any thoughts about the last scene, other than to take it at face value (i.e. that Mulder was really back)? Does anybody think there is supposed to be doubt about whether Mulder's return is real?

I think my original reading, that Mulder was Scully's hallucination, was prompted by the comparisons that Waiting draws between the Ruiz twins' relationship, and Scully and Mulder's relationship.

Alma said that babies are only dreams until they know where they belong. I wonder if the reverse is true, that when we stop belonging we become dreams again.

I think it is true, that if Mulder had stayed dead, as Scully's health worsened he would have become more and more real to her, as she felt less and less real. It was already happening. But I think the main point is something else:

"Twins don't need anyone else," she says. "They already make each other real."

When Scully opens the door to find Mulder on the other side, I think at that moment they're both equally as 'real' and as 'unreal' as the other. They're both half in and half out of the world. And then Mulder touches her, and she notes that she can feel his skin, but she touches him in return and notes that her fingers feel solid and thick against him. It seems she's just as surprised by her own corporeality as she is by his. Now that he's back in the world, they're both real again. They both have a place. And of course the last line finally brings the analogy, which has been building from the beginning, completely together.

One of us speaks.

"You're here."

It doesn't matter who says it, because it's the central point between them. It's a statement that belongs to both of them. In this moment distinctions between them are irrelevant.

I had assumed that Scully dies at the end, and that Mulder appearing is a hallucination or him coming to lead her into an afterlife. I thought this because in the scene before last, she refers to dreaming out of existence, and becoming more transparent--essentially leaving "this" world behind.

I have a pretty limited imagination, though--it hadn't occurred to me that Mulder might actually be alive.

One line at the end I wondered about was:

I'm surprised that it's Mulder, that he has waited at the door, that he is dressed in clothes I have never seen.

I thought the reference to his clothes was interesting--this leads the thought, of course, that Scully knows every item of clothing he owns :). But why would she note that he's wearing different clothes? I wondered if it could be a biblical allegory--that having died, he's been reclothed by God.

it hadn't occurred to me that Mulder might actually be alive.

I think because we read this fic so long after it was intended to be read, we were probably experiencing it much differently, and expecting different things from it. I was, anyway.

Reading it now, it seems like the fic is AU from beginning to end, so I was quick to accept that Mulder was really dead. After all, it's an AU scenario so why shouldn't he really be dead if the fic says he is? But when Waiting was written it wasn't AU. It was likely intended to serve as a possible bridge between S4 and S5: "This is how we resolve the seeming fact that Mulder is dead and Scully is dying, with the other, unavoidable fact that neither one of them can actually die because we need them back next season."

I don't know for sure whether that's what she intended, of course, but that's what it feels like to me. Writing a bridge doesn't, however, preclude the possibility that she wanted to leave the ending somewhat ambiguous. I wish I could ask her.

I had assumed that Scully dies at the end, and that Mulder appearing is a hallucination or him coming to lead her into an afterlife.

I think my idea that she was possibly now experiencing him as more real than herself kind of held the same weight, for me, as death. It was the thought that she was 'checking out', not physically but mentally and emotionally.

The reason I don't see her as dying at the end is because I don't think her health, as it is described to us, is at a point yet where she's that bad off.

Well, I think you two pretty much covered it. I loved Waiting so much but am having a hard time articulating just what it is that drew me in.

I read it to mean that Mulder is alive in the end (I'm a sucker for a happy ending, even if I have to create my own where none truly exists), but

infinitlight's idea that they are both dead is very intriguing and made me go back and reread the story. I can see that, but I chose to read it that Mulder is alive and has come back to Scully. See? Sucker.

Thanks for reccing this one, though- it's so good to have 'new' authors to check out.

I loved Waiting so much but am having a hard time articulating just what it is that drew me in.\

I know just what you mean. There are some fics that make me feel anything I say about them will be blather, and this is one of them.

but I chose to read it that Mulder is alive and has come back to Scully. See? Sucker.

When I realized that was probably the case, I had this weird dual reaction of feeling a little disappointed I wouldn't get my eerie ending, and seriously relieved because I'm not sure I could handle any other ending, really. So I don't think you're a sucker at all.

Thanks for reccing this one, though

s'what we're here for. *g*

I liked this story, though maybe not as much as the other readers here. I re-watched Gethsemane and tried to read the fic with an empty mindset, as though I hadn't seen Redux. So I just read it as an attempt to fill in the blank space left by the summer hiatus. But I never was able to believe Mulder was dead. I just thought she was imagining him, sitting there talking to her, not that he was really there as a spirit. The story with the twins was okay, too, but didn't grab me the way it did some people here. I couldn't make it line up with the rest of the story. The twins are telepathically communicating. Were Mulder and Scully supposed to be doing that, too?

It was hard for me to imagine Scully believing Mulder was dead, maybe because the last time he "died," she told his mother that he was okay, she dreamed that he was alive. She "just knew." That made it harder for me to go with the story's basic premise.

But it was well-written. And I probably would have liked it much more back in the day.

I haven't much else to contribute here so I guess I'd better post the next fic.

I just thought she was imagining him, sitting there talking to her, not that he was really there as a spirit.

I didn't take

infinitlight's interpretation to mean she thought he was literally a spirit - just that he was Scully's hallucination, and at the end her hallucination was leading her into death. I definitely never thought he was a spirit myself, though early on when I still thought he might be a hallucination, I did like that he could be a spirit and it would no longer make any difference. I mean, real spirit or fake hallucination, or hallucination of a spirit - what difference would it make, considering Scully was the only one his apparition affected, and his now-corporeal appearance marked her departure?

It was hard for me to imagine Scully believing Mulder was dead

But that was the premise Gethsemane left off on, with us thinking Scully really believed he was dead. I wasn't around back in 1997, obviously, so I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure at the time most viewers really believed Scully thought Mulder was dead. Considering how things appear in Gethsemane, I can't see why one would think otherwise.

The story with the twins was okay, too, but didn't grab me the way it did some people here. I couldn't make it line up with the rest of the story. The twins are telepathically communicating. Were Mulder and Scully supposed to be doing that, too?

No, in my reading there are no supernatural similarities between the Ruiz case and Scully and Mulder. The parallels are all...conceptual, I guess you could say. The real point is that Scully is seeing similarities, she's conceptualizing her (and Mulder's) situation, finding fragmented reflections of herself and Mulder in the Ruiz twins.

As the twins' father says of Daniel and Tomas, "They are so... apart [...] Disconnected, you know? [...] Except they are connected. To each other. Tomas always knows where Daniel is, and what he's doing. Daniel won't let us go anywhere without Tomas. They have a way of talking that we can't understand. Scully relates Mulder and herself to Daniel and Tomas because of this, because they are so connected to each other, and because together in their quest they have become so separate from the rest of the world. Alma tells Scully that twins don't need anyone else to make them real because they do that for each other, and Mr. Ruiz tells Scully, "I worry for the boys. They are so different. So apart from the rest of us. This plays into what Scully's experiencing - she and Mulder were a mutually sustaining system, and now that he's gone she's lost all meaningful sense of orientation. She can still function just fine, but the meaningful ties she had to the world before are now severed.

Except the reflections she sees in the Ruiz twins aren't always parallels. Near the end, Scully articulates it this way: It is two o'clock in the morning, and my body is so tired. "Go to sleep, Scully." I think of Daniel Ruiz, lying asleep against his mother's lap while all the time his brother's thoughts play into his head. [...] One mind doing the work of two bodies. That would be easy. My way is hard. One body doing the work of two souls. I am spread too thin, keeping myself alive and Mulder, too, every night. Daniel and Tomas sleep too much. They're more comfortable when only one of them is awake, otherwise it's like double vision for them. Scully is the opposite, barely sleeping, working double time, thinking double time, not wanting to relinquish her mind's hold on Mulder, or the hold she is vigilantly keeping for the both of them on life.

Really, she and Mulder are symmetrical opposites to Daniel and Tomas. I don't really see the relationship between the two pairs as being something that can be clearly defined, because Scully's thoughts aren't definite. She feels a resonance with the case, elements of it stir things in her that begin to take shape, and that's the point.

Yeah, I know that the viewers probably believed Scully believed he was dead. I just couldn't believe she believed it. I'm not sure I'd have bought into it back then, either. It doesn't fit well with who I believe the character to be. This is probably why I prefer the early seasons, too. (shrugs)

She feels a resonance with the case, elements of it stir things in her that begin to take shape, and that's the point.

I guess the problem then is nothing much about it resonated with me.

I will be less articulate than usual. Less articulate by far, that is, than what emerges when amyhit feels inarticulate. Domestic project issues in top-level humidity.

I liked the fic very much and I did not believe that Mulder was dead. I believed that Scully imagined him, which I found moving.

The tale of the twins interdependence is a purposefully imposed miniaturization of the Mulder and Scully bond. Scully feels unreal and in a sort of death dream until Mulder returns. Then she reawakens. Even in such a state she manages to solve a human puzzle. A relationship puzzle. She is the scientist, and she is a large part of the heart.

I liked this fic very much--see paragraph one--and I wish I had the energy to think about it more deeply.

I meant to comment but I'd forgotten back then. I think everyone's covered the key bits - one thing I do admire though is the use of time to cause a sense of dislocation and unreality. As if by blurring the passage of time, making an unclear distinction between the days, it causes a sense of unreality to arise.

I love that you've pointed this out. Kipler definitely does some really masterful things with time and perception of time in this fic. There's one line I kept wanting to comment on, because it made me feel something, but I couldn't figure out what it was before.

"I'll keep you updated as information becomes available,
Agent Scully."

"Thank you, sir."

I went to the basement after that, for just a few moments.

I kept trying to figure out why the last five words, "for just a few moments," were so striking to me. And I think mainly it's because of what they say about time, and about Scully's head space. Kipler could have written, "I went to the basement after that, and finished up some paperwork," but what would it matter? Instead she writes the truth, which is that it doesn't really matter. The only weight the action has is the time it takes. At the risk of being pretentious, that last sentence makes me think of a line from What The Thunder Said: "We who were living are now dying / With a little patience".

"When?" I ask.

"Monday. It could be all day. You know how these things
go."

Waiting and waiting.

This also really struck me. The title, here, twice. This fic makes waiting something tangible, something Scully feels in her bones. It's such a simple title, but Waiting is one of my favorite fanfic titles, because I feel like there is such a wealthy of meaning and importance placed in that one word. There's waiting in the practical sense, as in, waiting in a waiting room for the doctor to see you. And then there's waiting in the all encompassing sense of waiting for answers, and waiting to die. I feel like the title of the fic has two meanings, even though they're really only two variants on the same meaning. It's strange.

Plus I like how the scenes between Scully and the Ruiz family all feel very defined and solid and well-placed in time, not dream-like at all. But between those scenes we get the scenes of Scully's nights alone, with her strange thoughts, and those scenes feel like they're happening out of time somehow. And the further into the fic we get the more the balance shifts towards the latter and away from the former.

Good point, about the wealth of meaning the title can take on!

The Scully-and-the-Ruiz family scenes feeling very well-defined is rather appropriate, I felt. I'd seen the Ruiz twins as a kind of extended metaphor for her relationship with Mulder - the way the sister told her twins make each other real. That through interaction, characters in this fic become more 'real' and the Ruiz-interaction segments are when the segments become very solid - but there's always the bits when Scully's alone and...thinking up Mulder? And then that's a whole different ballgame, because there's no one to *really* interact with. No more strong sense of reality. And yet at the same time, it's almost as if the girl is right. It's Scully thinking up Mulder that still anchors her here :S

Kipler writes wonderful stuff. Subtle, well-written, interesting cases, lots of layers, not purple... In canon or AU, I really enjoy all her stuff and hadn't read this one (maybe its not on AO3?) so thanks for recommending!

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Story 167: "Waiting" by Kipler

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