Story 113: "Fathoms Five" by Penumbra

[wendelah1]

Fathoms Five was first nominated in September of last year by scarletbaldy, and then again about a month ago by antfarmponies. It's been suggested to me informally a couple of times, too. I had hesitated to post it for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that the subject matter is profoundly disturbing.

Yes, THAT IS A WARNING. Email or PM me if you need more specific information before reading this story.

But it's a major work, by a major writer. It's also her best work, in my humble opinion, and I hope we can do it justice. I don't want to say anything more specific for fear of giving away too much. As always, there will be spoilers in the comment threads.

Penumbra's planning to let her website go down soon (sob, I know, another one), so I'm also linking to her journal. Of course, the story is archived at Gossamer, too.

Again, this story contains disturbing material that might be triggering.

At her website, "Fathoms Five." EDIT: This version has a warning that is a spoiler.

And, at her journal: Part One, Part Two. EDIT: This version has no warning posted.

As always, leave feedback for the author, and then come back for discussion. Suggestions for next time may be left at the nomination post.

Comments

[maybe-amanda.livejournal.com]

I am late to the party, but I'd still like to comment. Or ask a few questions, maybe. Both, probably.

First, I enjoyed this story. It's AU, and AU gives you a lot of latitude, latitude Penumbra's made thorough and excellent use of. As always, the language is vivid, flowing, engrossing. Her original characters (William, Arable (which, yeah, there's a name for you) and Matthew) are interesting enough that they don't simply seem to be adjuncts to the M&S story. The dog has a strange name and a solid presence. And leave it to the Mulders, such as they are, to keep ducks that can't fly but instead run everywhere.

This is my favourite part:

He was angry at Scully for being perfect and frozen and impossible to wholly love as an evolving woman over a lifespan, in the close comfort of middle age and on into everything life brings, through everything,
the true, vital living Scully, whom he had somehow lost, and who had been replaced by a Scully who was afraid and trapped, who took the coward's way and couldn't admit what she was doing to the rest of them.

That's pretty much the whole story, beautifully encapsulated.

But I have to ask, what is Scully's deal? What's her problem? Do you think her self-centeredness and self-pity are justified? (not was Pen justified in writing it that way, but is the character justified in feeling that way?)

I'd like to hear other opinions on this.

[estella-c.livejournal.com]

"What's her problem?" She's not going to die. "Do you think her self-centeredness and self-pity are justified?" Yep.

Things might change, of course. She might become a brave and unique saint. Saint Scully the Deathless. There's time for any eventuality.

better her than me.

[maybe-amanda.livejournal.com]

"What's her problem?" She's not going to die. "Do you think her self-centeredness and self-pity are justified?" Yep.


Perhaps I wasn't clear. Sorry.

Yes, she's not going to die. Maybe. boo hoo. She herself asked how you could have too much life. She's got a great husband-like thing and a great kid, both of whom are bending over backward to try to make her happy. And yet, she's suicidal. Is it just because she's apparently immortal? Why and/or how does that justify her behavior?

See what I mean? I could sort of understand if she's lived 300 years, lost everything and everyone she'd known and cared for, but she's in her fifties.

What's she so depressed about?

[estella-c.livejournal.com]

I believe that you were clear enough. I just don't think we're destined to understand each other here.

You say "boo hoo." I'd say, like Scully, "kill me now." Depressed doesn't capture it.

It's as though Scully were in a glass box, (emotionally) asleep, watching the seasons turn and unable to be part of it.

All human beings know that they will die. You can't be human without owning that knowledge. At least I imagine that it must be really, really hard, and "imagine" is all any of us can do.

I know I'm sounding extra-philosophical, but that's the subject we've been dealt.

[wendelah1]

But I have to ask, what is Scully's deal? What's her problem? Do you think her self-centeredness and self-pity are justified? (not was Pen justified in writing it that way, but is the character justified in feeling that way?)

I don't see her actions as arising out of being self-centered and self-pitying; She tries to kill herself because she's in despair.

Driving in the dark that morning she had told herself it had little to do with him and that she had to know - she had to know. But now at home her actions seemed completely selfish. She had not kissed him goodbye when she arose in the middle of the night. She dressed in the downstairs bathroom, the old dog behind her drinking deeply from the toilet bowl, something she would normally not allow. The thing driving her had an intensity like panic. Kissing Mulder and William goodbye would have been admitting to herself what she was about to do. It would be admitting she didn't want to come back to them, because coming back would mean the awful thing inside her was real.

I don't think there is any doubt by the end of the first section that something is different about Scully, something is abnormal. Normal people don't get up off the cement floor after shooting themselves in the brain. She's a pathologist and a former FBI agent so I think we can assume she knew how to do it properly. She healed completely in a matter of hours from a mortal wound. She isn't aging. She feels like she's in stasis, like the rest of the world is changing and she isn't. Maybe that's just something she's making up in her head, or maybe she's right. Whatever the cause, she feels different, she feels isolated from the rest of humanity because of it, and she feels out of control. She tried to kill herself to see if she could and she tried to kill herself because she no longer wanted to live. Is that kind of despair selfish? I don't think telling suicidal people that they are self-centered is useful or kind, but in the aftermath, Scully herself was ready to say it was a selfish act. I don't think that changed anything, though. I think she still wanted to die.

Life is a series of losses, right? We lose our youth, our friends, our pets, our jobs, our lovers, our wives and our husbands. We lose our good health, perhaps all in one fell swoop, perhaps in tiny increments, year by year. If we are very unlucky, we outlive our children. Eventually we die, which for many people comes as quite a relief, I'd imagine. Imagine what it would be like to keep on losing everything you've ever loved, forever.

SCULLY: You know, most people want to live forever.

FELLIG: Most people are idiots. Which is one of the reasons I don't.

SCULLY: I think you're wrong. How can you have too much life? There's too much to learn, to experience.

FELLIG: 75 years... is enough. Take my word for it. You live forever, sooner or later you start to think about the big thing you're missing and that everybody else gets to find out about but you.

SCULLY: What about love?

FELLIG: What, does that last forever? 40 years ago I drove down to the city hall, down to the hall of records... record archives, whatever they call it. I wanted to look up my wife. It ... bothered me I couldn't remember her name. Love lasts... 75 years, if you're lucky. You don't want to be around when it's gone.

I think she can't imagine living forever in this static existence, without love, forever grieving what she's lost, and what she's going to lose. I think it's driving her mad. I think it would drive me crazy, too. Perhaps this is selfish, too, but I pray that I die before my husband, because I simply can't imagine life without him. It would be unbearable. The prospect of living alone forever, my God, I'm shaking just thinking about it. I think my husband would be okay with it though, for a few hundred years anyway. He'd finally get everything read he'd wanted to read, and learn everything he'd wanted to learn. He's not wrong to feel the way he does, but I'm not wrong to feel as I do either, and in my view, neither is Scully.