Story 118: "Hard Times Come Again No More" by CazQ

[wendelah1]

Recently, I was asked to post another very fine IWTB prequel story here, but I'm posting this instead because in a very few days I expect you will not be able to read it anywhere on the internet, not unless I go ahead and create THE OUTLAW FANFICTION ARCHIVE, Where Unwanted Stories Go to Hide from Their Authors.

If you read my fandom journal, here or at Dreamwidth, then you already know that CazQ has deleted cazfic, taken down her website, and requested that all of her stories be removed from fanfiction archives, including Gossamer. Since then, she has also blocked her site from The Wayback Machine with robots.txt. Her Author's Page at Gossamer is still up, but will most likely be gone by the next update, which I expect will be in July, since the last one was April 8th. This is a grievous loss.

Just as she is one of the finest writers to have ever graced our fandom, "Hard Times Come Again No More" is one of the best, if not the best story to have come out of the ashes of the second TXF movie. It's so good that I can almost forgive 1013 for inflicting that travesty on the fandom.

She feels, out of nowhere, deeply and unassuageably homesick for another Mulder, one she knows is a long time dead now: a lean and hungry-eyed white knight in a horrible tie, with much of the wide-open wonder of the boy still clinging to him, who would stick his fingers straight into any unidentified substance but could never just come right out and say what he meant. That Mulder who stood too close to her in morgues; always assumed he was going to drive; raised his hackles every time another man leant in too close to talk to her; stood like a gunslinger with his hands on his hips whenever he wanted to argue a point; made her sit through innumerable basement slideshows, and played travel Scrabble with her in hospital rooms for hours on end.

This is exactly how I feel about both of them. I miss them terribly; sadly, I missed them even more after seeing I Want To Believe. CazQ wrote the story I had been wanting to read ever since I left the theater back in July 2008.

Go read it. Go read all of her stories and save them to your hard drive. Comment about any of them; I'd love to know what you think. Just do it soon.

The link is to her page at Gossamer, scroll down until you find the title. Her Gossamer Page has now been deleted. If there is something of hers you want to read, I have everything saved.

"Hard Times Come Again No More"

Comments

[dis_inclined]

So, I think it's been a while since I even read an X-Files story, let alone commented on here about one. But when I read this post I felt very sad, as I always do when I learn that an author is taking down their work from everywhere. It's sad because these stories are enjoyed by so many, and are often such brilliant pieces of writing. I took your advice and saved them to my hard drive, and then I read Hard Times Come Again No More.

I agree that this does make the movie almost worthwhile. I was disappointed that the second movie was what it was. I liked seeing Mulder and Scully again, but the plot really didn't do them or the series justice. So this story almost makes up for that. And it really is such brilliant writing by the author.

I think the part you quoted is probably the best part, the part that sums it up perfectly. This is the new Mulder and Scully, and it sums up how they got there, right? We will miss them just as much as they miss each other as they were in this fic.

I think I will enjoy reading the rest of her stories, when I have the time.

[wendelah1]

It so saddens me when writers delete their work. It leaves a hole in my heart. I am so happy you got to read this story before it disappeared. I'm sure you will enjoy the rest of her stories as well.

Though it was wonderful to get to see my favorite characters again, the movie was a disappointment in every other way possible. This story helped mitigate that, which is one reason I wish CazQ had left it up. The other reason is how wonderful it is.

[dictatorcari]

Why?! Why would someone delete all their stories?! Ugh, what a heartbreak. BRB, I'm going to go read this and then save it in a special place.

[wendelah1]

It's a wonderful story. Do save it. I'm sure you'll enjoy reading it in the future.

She didn't tell me why, only that it was important and personal.

[penumbra23.livejournal.com]

I love this one so much. It's tragic to imagine it and the rest of her fic vaporizing off the 'nets. I can personally understand wanting to move on and erase the tracks of X-F obsession, but does she mind if people retain copies privately? Fanfic is an interesting case because it isn't 'owned' by the author who can't copyright it because the characters are owned by another entity who can't/won't acknowledge the existence of fanfic. Real limbo.

Hard Times is sad, because it confronts Mulder & Scully's lack of a happy ending. I find I'm still dealing with that issue, especially while re-watching the early seasons. Mulder and Scully's lives seem so full of possibility and at that point; they're both such brilliant, energetic over-achievers that they seem capable of anything. It's such a terrible smack against the wall to hit IWTB and see what they actually become.

This is a beautiful way of looking at it:

a painfully
neat, bad-suited, soft-faced girl of 28, walking into the
basement hideaway of a strange and fantastical creature.

There was never a creature as strange and fantastical as Mulder, and there was never a partnership as perfectly fantastic, 'those years of
concentrated intellectual foreplay', or a time as full of hope.

Thank you for prioritizing this, Wendy. And thank you, Caz, if you read this. Thanks for everything you gave us.

[wendelah1]

In truth, I can't really understand wanting to erase part of one's personal history. It baffles and frustrates me, and frankly, I don't honestly care if she does mind if people keep copies of her work. Once work has been publicly posted, it ceases to be private property, if indeed it ever was, in the case of fanfiction. To me, it's disingenuous to claim ownership of derivative work.

If all that mattered was divorcing herself from the work, then she could have orphaned the stories and left them up for people to continue to enjoy. She choose not to do that.

Hard Times is sad, because it confronts Mulder & Scully's lack of a happy ending. I find I'm still dealing with that issue, especially while re-watching the early seasons. Mulder and Scully's lives seem so full of possibility and at that point; they're both such brilliant, energetic over-achievers that they seem capable of anything. It's such a terrible smack against the wall to hit IWTB and see what they actually become.

I started crying when I read this. Seeing that film was such a kick in the gut for me that I've been in denial ever since. The early seasons are such a comfort, though, aren't they? Some days, I prefer to pretend everything after season five is AU.

This is a beautiful way of looking at it: "a painfully neat, bad-suited, soft-faced girl of 28, walking into the basement hideaway of a strange and fantastical creature."
There was never a creature as strange and fantastical as Mulder, and there was never a partnership as perfectly fantastic, 'those years of concentrated intellectual foreplay', or a time as full of hope.

Yes, it is a wonderful way of characterizing their partnership. What a magical time, for them, for the series, and for the fans too, of course.

[littlegreen42.livejournal.com]

Some days, I prefer to pretend everything after season five is AU.

I feel the same way! In fact, I rarely ever watch any post-Season 5 episodes.

[penumbra23.livejournal.com]

Me too! Although I love the first movie. But it's basically that and just the first 5 seasons. I'm in still in serious denial.

[bachlava.livejournal.com]

Some days, I prefer to pretend everything after season five is AU.

It's a good, valid strategy. I was a little teenage 'phile back in the '90s, and during S6, I just stopped watching. I had plenty of company. Given how little continuity there was between the main writers and the production staff between Vancouver/California, I think it's entirely legitimate to view the latter as a different show. The way I look at it... if The Wizard of Oz books got a fandom started right now, very few people would feel compelled to read all the sequels L. Frank Baum cranked out. So Kersh, Fowley, and the NotAlienMiracleBaby(TM) subplot, in practical terms, never happened.

[bachlava.livejournal.com]

*Exceptions: S.R. 819, Milagro, Orison, Closure.*

[infinitlight.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the heads-up; I have some time later tonight and will start saving stuff. It makes me sad to think about doing this (although I suppose I should be doing it more for stories I want to keep and reread--I have a lot of my favorites already, but there are so so many more and they won't, necessarily, be around forever).

God, I loved this story. I know the feeling of leaving IWTB with the sensation of something missing, not so much from the film itself (a whole other post), but from *me* and from my relationship with the characters (if that makes any sense and is not ridiculously dramatic). I'd been so excited about seeing my old friends again, and of course they were different, and I was different too...

I was grateful to get IWTB, in the same way I'm grateful for stories like HTCANM (I hope I got that acronym right). Even though they make me miss the characters more, they remind me of and celebrate how much I love these people and this world, and they show that life really does go on, even though sometimes we don't really want it to.

Slainte. Absent friends.

[wendelah1]

God, I loved this story. I know the feeling of leaving IWTB with the sensation of something missing, not so much from the film itself (a whole other post), but from *me* and from my relationship with the characters (if that makes any sense and is not ridiculously dramatic). I'd been so excited about seeing my old friends again, and of course they were different, and I was different too...

No, it doesn't seem over-dramatic at all. In fact, I bet it was a common reaction, in fans from back in the day. A lot can happen in fifteen years.

By contrast, I didn't start watching the show until 2005, a few years after the series ended. Plus, I'm old. My life certainly changed from 1993 to 2008, but from 2005 to 2008, not so much.

What this story does is so well is articulate the complex feelings of love and loss that watching the film brought up for so many viewers, though perhaps not for the same reasons, through the point of view of Dana Scully. It's genius, really, is to have captured it in a way that creates this emotional feedback loop between the reader and the character. You feel her feelings with such intensity because they are your feelings, too.

Well, I did, anyway.

Slainte. Absent friends.

Yes.

[mosinging1986.livejournal.com]

Oh, my goodness! That paragraph you posted, along with the one that follows:

(she) ... thinks that every once in a while maybe he's feeling homesick too, for a Scully with sharp, swinging hair and sharper suits, who pursed her lips and arched an eyebrow at his theories but bristled at anyone with the temerity to insult him, who cleaned her gun to relax on a Saturday night, who smelled of formaldehyde and lemon-scented industrial-strength anti-bacterial soap. That Scully who fell asleep and drooled on his shoulder during stakeouts; who flew to Africa and back for him; who ate bad Chinese food sitting on synthetic-fibre comforters with him in cheap motel rooms and argued with him about batraquomancy and left-handed voodoun and the Kenneth Arnold sighting, all the way across America.

These are the people I love! These are the people I was looking forward to seeing in IWTB! And for reasons that I will never understand, they were not there for me.

I don't think I have ever been so disappointed in any movie in my entire life. And this coming from someone who so desperately wanted and tried to love this movie.

But this story may have done the impossible. It may make IWTB bearable. And I swear I didn't think that was possible.

***

It's a shame that this is one of the few well known XF authors whose stories I don't think I ever read. Looks like I've got some saving to do before it all is lost. Thank you so much, this was a real treat.

It was also great timing, as I just finished watching the Duane Barry abduction arc a day or so ago.

As a random note, I loved this bit of line:

... and they speed towards Virginia while little white rain-ghosts of cloud wisp overhead like homesick souls.

I don't think I will ever forget that or look at rainclouds the same way again.

[wendelah1]

These are the people I love! These are the people I was looking forward to seeing in IWTB! And for reasons that I will never understand, they were not there for me.

I don't think I have ever been so disappointed in any movie in my entire life. And this coming from someone who so desperately wanted and tried to love this movie.

But this story may have done the impossible. It may make IWTB bearable. And I swear I didn't think that was possible.

That's good, that makes me happy to know.

It's a shame that this is one of the few well known XF authors whose stories I don't think I ever read. Looks like I've got some saving to do before it all is lost. Thank you so much, this was a real treat.

You are welcome. I envy you getting to read someone this good, as a brand new experience, this late in the game. I remember how excited I was when she posted this fic in 2008.

[ktds.livejournal.com]

I actually saved this story and "One Little Room, An Everywhere" when I discovered her fanfic journal many months ago. This is a wonderful story and I'm glad that people have a chance to save the stories before they are gone.

[wendelah1]

I'm glad you got to save "One Little Room, An Everywhere," as it was only posted at cazfic. I wanted people to have the chance to save it all, but it was not to be. A lot of people have it, so it's available for the asking at the Lost and Found or Haven.

I adore your icon.

Also, Kel has written a new story, which she'll be posting it to xf_is_love in a few days. The 29th, I think.

[ktds.livejournal.com]

New Kel fic! Sweet, can't wait.

[sangria-lila.livejournal.com]

Any idea why CazQ decided to commit internet suicide?

[wendelah1]

No, not really. She only said to me that it was personal and important. But I think her readers deserve to know. Another writer on my flist decided to delete her fandom journal and retire from fandom. But she announced it months ahead of time, so that people were able to save what they wanted, and she left up all of her archived work.

CazQ was a major writer in a huge fandom. Her stuff is recced all over the place, on everything from crack_van to older rec sites, and simply deleting a journal and blocking a dead website won't make it all go away. If she posted to atxc, that's a search-able site, and it's not going anywhere either.

[sangria-lila.livejournal.com]

Perhaps she is actually going to write a novel? It's not uncommon for fic writers to kill their fanfic once they've become mainstream, for lack of a better phrase.

That said, while I really liked CazQ's fic, I don't really have the urge to save it. I think it's partly because I'm not a big fan of atmospheric fics, and partly because I feel like her gorgeous writing renders Mulder and Scully too precious. Even their arguments and ugly moments feel smoothed over. While I liked HTCANM, I feel like there were other fics that did the pre-IWTB universe better.

[wendelah1]

If you ever get the urge to read it again, many people have it saved. I love it, but then you already knew that. *g*

Which stories did you like better?

Perhaps she is actually going to write a novel? It's not uncommon for fic writers to kill their fanfic once they've become mainstream, for lack of a better phrase.

I figured that might be why she refused to orphan the stories.

[sangria-lila.livejournal.com]

I don't remember stories per se, but I remember Aloysia's A Dim Capacity for Wings: http://aloysiavirgata.livejournal.com/45305.html, which I thought was the most realistic portrayal of a post-Truth Mulder/Scully relationship.

[wendelah1]

That might be an interesting story to discuss here. At the time, I think I thought it seemed overly long, but I'd have to reread it to say for certain.

[sangria-lila.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it did drag a bit, but in the end it was heartbreaking and realistic enough to be memorable. It covered a broader emotional range than an average CazQ fic.

[wendelah1]

So little seemed to be happening along the way, I suspect I never made it to the end of that one . . . I'm not sure I even made it to part two.

[sangria-lila.livejournal.com]

I'll tell you something, there are a lot of fics from BNF that I never make to the end - either because I just don't get it or am too ADD to sit through that person's take on Mulder and Scully.

[littlegreen42.livejournal.com]

I really love her descriptions of Mulder and Scully before they lost their spirit. Reminds me of why I loved them in the first place, and why I felt so betrayed by the movie. She tries to explain why they were living the lives they were in I Want to Believe -- the movie never even tried to do that, we were just expected to accept the fact that Scully was a doctor using her own name and Mulder was hiding out at her house, yet no one had ever found him... But she doesn't explain some of the things that really bothered me: Why didn't they leave the country, as they'd been told to do? Why didn't they spend those years trying to save the world? Why did they give up?

[wendelah1]

But she doesn't explain some of the things that really bothered me: Why didn't they leave the country, as they'd been told to do? Why didn't they spend those years trying to save the world? Why did they give up?

I have no answers for these questions, and I won't pretend to. I do think at the end of "The Truth" the implication is that the war is over, the game's been played and they have lost. Colonization is coming, the date is set.

The wonderful thing about Amal's "Machines of Freedom" is that in her canon-compliant universe, they don't give up, they keep on fighting, and (spoiler alert)
*
*
*
*
*
*
by golly, they win. But like many writers before her, I don't think CazQ believes that war is winnable. I'm not sure I do either, though I want to believe it is.

[littlegreen42.livejournal.com]

I do think at the end of "The Truth" the implication is that the war is over, the game's been played and they have lost.

Really? That's not what I got from it at all. For example:

MULDER: I want to believe that the dead are not lost to us. That they speak to us as part of something greater than us - greater than any alien force. And if you and I are powerless now, I want to believe that if we listen to what's speaking, it can give us the power to save ourselves.

SCULLY: Then we believe the same thing.

MULDER: (whispers) Maybe there's hope.

But apart from that, I always found it strange that it wasn't even mentioned in the movie -- when Scully was trying to convince Mulder not to reinvolve himself with the X-Files, she didn't really bring up the fact that they only had a few more years to enjoy together, so she didn't want to lose him to his obsessions again. And later, when Mulder stated that he thought the darkness would always find them, it was like "Well, obviously! The aliens are invading in 2012."

I've been wanting to read "Machines of Freedom" since it was first posted, but I still haven't gotten around to it. Novel-length fics always intimidate me.

[wendelah1]

You've obviously done your homework here. I was going more by my gut feeling. At first, Mulder didn't even want to tell Scully that the date was set. But yeah, I agree, they've never been out of the darkness, assuming Mulder was right.

I've been wanting to read "Machines of Freedom" since it was first posted, but I still haven't gotten around to it. Novel-length fics always intimidate me.

That's unfortunate, since many of the best stories in the fandom are novel-length, and I think all of the post-col stuff is. It's worth the time. The other wonderful thing about it that she's kept writing stories in that universe, so there is always something new to look forward to.

[bmerb.livejournal.com]

Machines If Freedom? Where might I find this?

[wendelah1]

Here it is: Machines of Freedom.

[enj412.livejournal.com]

Hard Times Come Again No More is one of my favorite fan fics, so thank you for posting it. I love CozQ's writing style and her spot-on charaterizations. It is an utter shame that we are losing her stories. I don't understand why she is taking them off the web, but I suppose that is her decision to make, and we must respect it.

But back to the story itself, my favorite parts are the ones that have already been mentioned, particularly Scully describing Mulder as a "strange and fantastical creature" (truer words have never been spoken). But there are a couple more parts that bear some focusing:

"Even if those two fierce, lonesome, angular people are dead,
though, he is still her most precious, serendipitous secret.
Even now, after moving all those times, after burrowing
themselves down into this quiet snow-bound corner where no one
could possibly guess or care who he is, she keeps him close to
her chest, like an unexpectedly winning hand of cards."

I love this because that is the way I feel about Mulder, too. That he is some precious secret that no one else understands and that he will never be truly known, nor his amazing intellect truly respected, except by those he loves (Scully, in particular). Even those friends he's made along the way (i.e. the Lone Gunmen, Skinner), never truly knew him completely. He kept a lot of himself hidden- his sensitivity and vulnerability- except from Scully. At least that's the way I think about him, anyway. It makes their relationship that much more poignant and romantic, IMHO.

Also this: "Still
wobbly and pale herself, she takes her turn at making hot
toddies and soup while Mulder makes weak cracks about wanting
to play doctor and she's amazed all over again - he doesn't
have a gunshot wound. He isn't recovering from botched
impromptu brain surgery. His lungs haven't been shredded by
genetically modified beetle larvae. He isn't back, barely,
from the dead. He's just sick, and this is what normal people
do, and this, this scuzzy domestic scene of used Kleenex and
empty Theraflu bottles, this is what love is."

I love the simplicity of this. They are just another couple, helping take care of each other in times of sickness. Even though they have been through more difficulties than any couple deserves, they still come back to this simple fact: they love each other and will devote their lives to each other. Incredibly romantic story IMO, even though it is in fact very sad to see how they lost their spirits pre-IWTB.

[estella-c.livejournal.com]

I very much admire this fic, and I don't think it could have been more beautifully written. It's a classic of what it is, with many passages deserving quotation.

What it is, however, is not my favorite thing in the world. It's a description of a state of mind, that state of mind being full of anxiety and dread as well, of course, as profound love. It deals with the ending of the Files, which I loathed, leading into the matter of the second film, which I disliked.

It will never be a favorite of mind, but I'm happy that I read it and that it won't be lost.

[frey-at-last.livejournal.com]

Wow, I just realized again how disappointing it is that CazQ's fic has disappeared. Thank you for having the presence of mind to save it all. Would you might sending it to me? I'll PM you in case you don't have my email in your contacts. I've been thinking of going through my delicious account that I made to archive XF fic -- oh gosh, almost seven years ago now??? -- and saving it all onto my hard drive just to make sure it doesn't go anywhere. I've been looking through some and already a lot is gone.

[wendelah1]

I'm emailing you now.

[wendelah1]

Actually, I was wrong. You can save from the freeze page. Cool. I won't have to search for them all. I will just link you to my Freeze Page.

I want to read it!

[bmerb.livejournal.com]

Please please can I get a copy? Pretty please? And any others of this authors work you think I should read?

Re: I want to read it!

[wendelah1]

Pssst. Just click the link. I freeze-paged it. Because I'm evil like that.

Email me at my user name at gmail.

RE: Re: I want to read it!

[bmerb.livejournal.com]

Oh man that was good. Haven't seen that movie or ever finished the series, but fic like this makes it superfluous, since it's better anyways!

So sad she deleted her fic! Anything else of hers that you would recommend (and have saved)?

Also oddly when I tried to follow the link yesterday it didn't take me to the frozen page. Was that an update since last night?

Re: Re: I want to read it!

[wendelah1]

No, it's not. How odd. I had no trouble with the link yesterday. Maybe when I clicked on it, that reactivated it somehow? I have links to most of her fic but I hesitate to post them. If you email me, I'll send them to you: my user name at gmail dot com. Supposedly I have all of her fic saved but I can't find it...