Story 246: "Loss of Yesterday" by hesychasm

[wendelah1]

I ran into this story while perusing the YA author Malinda Lo's website. There's a small section of non-fiction which she wrote in grad school, and a website devoted to Dana Scully, which includes a small archive of Scully-centric fanfic. Yes, Malinda Lo is an X-Phile. I decided to reread some of the stories. This lovely story was in the section called "Disease/Dis-Ease." It's set during season two, after Scully has returned to work following her abduction.

Characters: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1,900
Author's Note: Takes place in November 1994 between "Firewalker" and "Irresistible." For the purposes of fiction I'm eliminating the month-long quarantine Mulder mentions at the end of "Firewalker."

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Comments

[mosinging1986.livejournal.com]

It's been a long time since I watched those two episodes. Now I want to, just to refresh my memory and give this story a better sense of place in the XF universe.

But it stands fine on its own. I love stories that delve into the effects that events had on these two characters. XF was a show where Big Things Happened so often, and yet characters were never allowed to deal with them to the depths they should have. Some of it was the writing style. Some of it was these two people (I mean, characters!) and their "We-won't-talk-about-this" method of dealing with things. (Especially Ms. Dana, "I'm Fine" Scully.)

I loved this look into her mental state at this time. It feels so claustrophobic, as the world does when you've been through something awful that others just can't understand, even when they care for you and are trying to hard to do exactly that.

[wendelah1]

I know seasons one and two so well I can practically quote the dialogue. LOL. I think it's a compliment to the writing that you want to rewatch the episodes and hope you go ahead and do it.

I loved this look into her mental state at this time. It feels so claustrophobic, as the world does when you've been through something awful that others just can't understand, even when they care for you and are trying to hard to do exactly that.

I think claustrophobic is a good word for her state of mind. I was thinking isolated, and maybe in mourning for the self that no longer exists. She was what--thirty-years-old when she was abducted? Despite losing her father, she still had to have that sense of personal invulnerability that is the gift of youth. But after her abduction, that was lost.

[mosinging1986.livejournal.com]

I like the idea of "isolated" as well. And that's the worst feeling - you've got people all around you who are willing and desiring to help you in your pain, but for whatever reasons, you can't seem to let them in.

Despite losing her father, she still had to have that sense of personal invulnerability that is the gift of youth. But after her abduction, that was lost.

Yes, indeed. I hadn't thought of it that way, but you're right. It makes me sad.

(I love how we all talk about these people like... they're real people! Only fans can understand that.)

[zinnia03.livejournal.com]

I liked this quite a lot. I don't think I've read anything by this author before, or if I have it was long ago.

The imagery of her being washed out, ghost-like, and her feelings like she's not really there any more

Mulder's helplessness in the face of Scully's need for things to seem "normal" between them when they so obviously are not. His remorse that he keeps putting Scully in these awful situations (handcuffed to a dead woman). And of course we know that his plans for a relatively normal case are going to go terribly, terribly wrong.

I see several fics that I will want to go back and read at her page.

[lyryk.livejournal.com]

Not sure if I read the beginning 'right', but the sudden PoV shift pulled me out of the narrative a bit. I don't mind points of view alternating between sections, but it feels weird to me when it happens between one sentence and the next.

I liked the concept of the story, the implied horror of what's coming in 'Irresistible', something that we know and she doesn't. Reading it made me uncomfortable, and that's the way it should be - she isn't in a 'comfortable' place by any means.

[estella-c.livejournal.com]

I agree that the POV shift was startling.

This is really a slice of (death-obsessed) life story, much in the style of the old infamous New Yorker fiction, except in spite of suburban angst we have actual job-related fear. Scully is certainly within her rights to be surrounding herself with intimations of death, though it thuds a bit heavily considering how early it is, and how unrelenting the symbolism. The show did it better in the next episode, when Dr. Scully strips back a sheet and sees herself on the autopsy table.

The post-ep (of "Loss of Yesterday") is of course the one about the "death fetishist"--Carter lingo--and I remember congratulating myself for noticing that Scully was actually suffering from PTSD, not the drama cliche then it has since become. When she hares off to Washington to visit her shrink, I remember admiring Anderson for making a psychological conversation deeply felt. I said (to myself) "watch her." And of course she has proven to be a treasure.

Mulder's repeated "handcuffed to a dead woman" is touching in relation to the multiple valleys of the shadow that Scully passed through as the series progressed: death after death, loss following loss. I don't know when this piece was written, but the writer either had prescience or benefited considerable from an aftermath she couldn't know. Still, as implied earlier, I don't find this "examination of feelings" kind of story as moving as it's obviously meant to be. Call me a hard case, and call it my loss.

[wendelah1]

It was posted February 27, 2000, so more than fourteen years ago.

"Closure" was broadcast here the second week of February in 2000. It's just a guess but I think that phrase "handcuffed to a dead woman" is also an allusion to Samantha's fate. As we find out in "Closure," his search for his sister is fruitless since she died (or was ascended, turned into starlight, whatever) when she was just fourteen, long before Mulder found the X-Files. Mulder was certainly chained to his search for Samantha, and after being abducted by Duane Barry, Scully was as well.

I think this works as a post-ep for the abduction arc, and for "Firewalker" and its aftermath, much better than as a preamble for "Irresistible." It's late, I'm going to bed but I'll be back with more commentary tomorrow about the episodes, the story, in particular the mysterious POV switching in the beginning. It is startling. I think it's meant to be.

[notacrnflkgirl.livejournal.com]

I am dusting off my LJ account to add my review:

Thank you for introducing me to this story. It's become one of my favorites: the subject matter, the style, the first line ("These days she wanted to write something"—wanting writing to lend solidity and sense but not being able to go through with it), the last line also about writing. The extratextual bad moon on the rise because we know what will happen in "Irresistible." We see something positive in this story that will be realized in that episode, too: the seed of Scully's decision to make an appointment with the EAP counselor.

But especially the subject matter. "It wasn't just buildings and signs that were new. It was her body, as well. … It caught at her, just like it had every day since she'd been back. It was a new thing, her face." Trying to put herself together with all of the pieces she has. Having evidence that something happened in the form of her changed body but not having details. Body as history and the half-wonder in trying to learn it. (I like Maria Nicole's "Maybe Today" (http://x-files.bytewright.com/arcMa/MaybeToday.html) for similar reasons, although this story delves deeper.)

I barely noticed the perspective shift. ?

Off to the next fanfic!

[wendelah1]

Thank for posting this comment. Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there is still reading, especially after the latest LJ fail.

Onward. I love Jintian's writing style. I think she's very underrated, especially in the current MSR dominated fandom.

Thanks for pointing out the way the story circles back to its beginning--that's one of my favorite thematic structures but it's a sophisticated one and not easy to pull off.

"But especially the subject matter."

Yes. It's the subject matter that pulled me in as well. As a physician and scientist, she would be extra-vigilant about those changes, wonder what they meant. She would need to find language to describe them, make them into facts, something she could make sense of. Something grew inside of her--something that was hers--and they stole it from her. Her conscious mind may not be able to process the violation she suffered, but her body remembers. Her body knows.

Thanks for the link to Maria Nicole's fic. I am off to read it next.